Getting Back to the Basics

I realized today that I have spent the last couple of weeks just making excuses.  I would go to dinner and have a dessert with the excuse that I had enough points left on WW or that I had worked out and could handle it.  Truth? - I had enough points because I didn't bother to log them in - just kept a running tab in my head that I adjusted as needed to make myself believe I was being good.  I had a goal to exercise daily on my new Wii.  Truth? - I do exercise quite often on the Wii, but on the days I don't feel like it - I give in to the lazy part of me and sit down and watch Biggest Loser while eating something that wouldn't even be in the same universe as healthy.

I've used every excuse in the book to justify my actions lately.  I had to make cookies with the kids because they had been good, we needed a project together and they needed to be rewarded.  WHAT?!?!?  So how many problems are wrong with that train of thinking?  I can name one right off the bat - I rewarded my kids with food - AGAIN!  Oh, and guess who ate some of the cookie dough?

I've spent the past ten months fooling myself into thinking that I was on this great and noble journey.  I told myself that folks who were on the same journey passed me up becasue they weren't faced with the issues in my life.  It's just not true - just excuses.  Others have succeeded on this journey because they have committed to it. 

I read something on a billboard sign of a church the other day that caught my attention.  I couldn't remember the exact phrase today, but looked up what I could remember and the gist of it is this:  A winner makes a commitment, a loser makes promises.  I've made hallow promises to myself and others that I will stay on track, stay focused and finally succeed in changing my life and losing this weight.  I've foolishly told myself that I was doing this for others...then I told others that I was doing this for me.  Frankly, I was doing this because it's what I expected to do.

Well as in other posts - today is a new day.  So once again, I'm starting fresh.  I'm getting my new log in and starting all over again.  I'm through giving others advice I have refused to follow myself. 

I commit:

*  I commit to drinking water throughout the day and giving up the massive amount of soda that has entered into my weekly routine.
*  I commit to removing the excuses and owning the stumbles that I will make along this path.
*  I commit to reducing the amount of eating out for convenience, and plan to focus on what I can do at home for myself and my family to make our diet a more healthy one.
*  I commit to stop giving advice to others that I'm secretly ignoring.  If I say it - then I'd better be doing it.
*  I commit to working through the lazy times to be a more productive and steadfast person.  If I don't do the work, I won't lose the weight.
*  Most importantly - I commit to myself not to focus on the failures of the past, but the success of the future.  I will have days that I could've done better, but I will strive to have more days I'm proud of than days I've found disappointment in.

Today is a new day and a beginning is always better than a failure.

Whoops - Time to Recalculate

Okay, so I guess it's got to be obvious that weekends are the tough times for me.  I do fine at work (usually - unless a patty melt is involved) and can count my points and control my eating okay.  But when it comes to the weekend where we tend to eat out more often, I tank miserably.  Even when we don't go out, I find myself snacking and making bad choices just because it's there.

So lesson number one I learned this weekend - we just can't have it in the house.  It won't kill my husband or my kids of the snack foods in the house aren't loaded with sugar and fat grams.  They can eat a nectarine same as me, and will feel much better than having two bowls of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream.  So a new goal for this week is to shop wisely and recognize that 100 calorie pop corn bags can be my best friend.

Lesson number two I learned this week - don't encourage someone to join Weight Watchers and then go to Olive Garden.  I felt the pull of the pasta, the call of the calamari and I caved.  I didn't do horrible, but let's face it - at Olive Garden it's nearly impossible to do good.  A friend and I literally signed her up for Weight Watchers and then went to celebrate the adventure with a massive calorie fest.  I need to pick places that give me more choices, and I need to make the right choices.

If I don't lose on the scale tomorrow it's no one's fault but my own.  All I can say is another day has passed and I have a few more lessons learned.  Maybe I have a chance of getting this right.

A New Day - Everyday

So the Race for the Cure was apparently just what I needed to jump start my journey again.  This was definitely a week of lessons, but it was a week of accomplishments too.

On Wednesday, my friend Sharon came over for dinner and some "shopping" through my many boxes of clothes that I either can't or don't wear anymore.  It was a great evening.  Sharon was a delight to visit with and I'm thrilled that she was able to use some of the clothes I had.  Sharon is a true inspiration for me.  She's already lost quite a bit of weight and has a commitment that is to be respected.  She's a beautiful person inside and out and I'm so blessed to call her friend.  Way to go Sharon!  Here's to the next goal!

Today I received another blessing; my friend Shirley shared the start of her journal with me.  It is beautiful - the story of the caterpillar and the butterfly from her heart - the path she is choosing to take to become a healthier woman.  You're inspiring Shirley!  Keep going - I know you'll make it!

I counted my points on Weight Watchers every day this week - yippee!  That alone is probably my biggest hurdle - commitment.  But I have a great support system and I have determination and I'll make it.

So the plan for this next week....

Well first, I will become another year older.  On Thursday I will celebrate my 36th birthday.  I'm celebrating because I know that making the choices that I'm making now will only help me add more time to the life span I shortened with my unhealthy habits and extra 100+ pounds.  Also this week I will buy a Wii and a Wii Fit.  Don't laugh - I've sweat more on Kirsten's Wii Fit than any piece of exercise equipment I've been on in the last year.  :)  It's another step towards my goal - and it's fun.

To all of my support system - thank you.  I know you're rooting for me and it's making this journey a much more pleasant one.

Day 6 (and Day 4 & 5) - Another Goal to Check Off the List

This weekend has been quite an adventure filled with some definite self discovery, accomplishment and truely supportive friendship.

It wasn't long after I started Weight Watchers that two people I love dearly joined in the program - my sister-in-law (and best friend), Kirsten and brother-in-law, Matt.  I had learned from other weight loss programs that if you have a group who are working toward the same weight loss goal it works out much better for all involved, especially of the members of that group are folks you spend time with on a regular basis.  It was not long after they started Weight Watchers that my sister-in-law said she wanted to prepare to do the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure.  Throughout the months we would talk about it now and then, and I would reluctantly agree to do the 5K walk on September 20th, all the while knowing that the day was a long way away and surely I could find some excuse to get out of it.  After all, it was 5K and I had never thought of myself as being able to do 5K of anything. 

Well to make a fairly long story short (the story of my various plans for backing out), I have just returned home this afternoon from a wonderful weekend with my best friend and can tell you with a smile on my face that we did it!  We walked the 5K in the Race for the Cure in Portland.  And...we did it in about an hour (or a bit less we think - the timer that was posted was for the other race).  We talked a lot on the bus ride back to our car.  Mostly we talked about the accomplishments of the goals we had set during these past few months.  My first goal was to be more active, something I worked towards back in May and June when we not once, but twice, walked around the trail of the South Falls of Silver Creek Falls.  The trail which is definitely partially inclined, and probably about 2.3 miles.  That may not seem like much to some, but for me it was my first mountain.  The secone goal was a funny one I guess - to ride a bicycle.   Done.  We went camping with Matt and Kirsten last month and for the first time in over eight years, I rode a bicycle - a lot!  And now, we've completed the 5K walk in the Race for the Cure. 

Now I'll admit that when Kirsten asked me today if I wanted to run in the 5K race next year, I was very non-committal.  My mind is saying baby steps.  But the truth is, I've compelted three things in the past few months I never thought I'd be able to do - or do again in the case of the bicycle. 

So I say all this to say that I am so grateful for Kirsten for the last several months.  Her encouragement has been wonderful and I've accomplished things that I really didn't think I could.  It's made me a better person and I will be eternally grateful.

Now it's time to set some new goals.  I don't know what they are yet, but I know I can reach them.  I may need a kick in the south end now and then, but I know I have someone on my side who is more than willing to dole it out.  I'm thankful for this friend who challenges me to be a better me.  Thanks Kirsten.

Day 3 (and Day 2) - Really Back Where I Started

Wow, the last couple of days have been hard lessons.  I didn't post anything for Day 2 - not a great start to this new endeavor, I know.  But to be honest, I let the stress of the day guide me rather than me guiding the day to be less stressful.  I learned a tough thing on Day 2 - when I'm stressed I eat, and when I eat I get more stressed.  What an ugly cycle to be in! 

Work was unusually difficult for me yesterday and my solution was to go to lunch and make wrong choices.  Guilt is a funny thing.  When I got back to work, I decided to get online and check to see how many Weight Watcher points my lunch choices had stolen from me.  I was in for a very rude awakening.  One of my lunch choices was to go to Cold Stone Creamery and further drown my sorrows and stresses in a Love It size of Peanut Butter Cup Perfection.  Warning!  That little ditty will cost you Weight Watchers 23 points.  Yup, you read right, 23 points.  950 calories and 56 grams of fat to be exact.

So what was my lesson?  Well there were so many lessons I could take from that endeavor.  First, and probably foremost, is not to let the stress of the day be all that the day holds for me.  Yes, I faced some challenges, and yes I was overwhelmed.  But a better strategy would have been to take what happened one task at a time - solve one problem at a time and look back to see the accomplishments, not the defeat of the earlier mistakes made.  We all have bad days!  We all make mistakes!  And sometimes, we just don't handle things as we should.  But to medicate my bad day or my bad mood with food does nothing but jeopardize my journey and my health and pretty much guarantees that the day will not improve with each bite I take. 

Day 3 - Well today started out better.  I was all set to spend a day with Hallie in preparation for her getting braces today.  Breakfast out was part of the plan and I felt pretty good about my decision.  Egg beater omlet with dry toast and some hashbrowns.  Okay, so the hashbrowns probably weren't a great choice, but I chose not to eat them all and they weren't too bad in the grease department as others that I'd had. 

Hallie had two requests before braces - corn nuts and a carmel apple.  The corn nuts - not so bad.  One small package is 4 Weight Watcher points - but watch out for the sodium!  The carmel apple - I figured it was better than a Reese's, and besides that was our lunch.  But the challenge came at dinner.  We went to the buffet at the casino and I tanked again.  I was drawn in by the fried shrimp and the prime rib.  I fell right back into the old habits - the habits I had when I topped out at 307 pounds.  I chose some of the worst food I could eat and I ate plenty of it. 

It's not that I can never go and have a piece of fried fish ever for the rest of my life - but having four pieces of fried fish on top of the fried shrimp, prime rib, ice cream....well I don't need to list more - you get the point.  I'm back where I started.  My lesson today is simple - I need to learn again what to eat and how much to eat.  Now is not the time to take liberties with my food choices.  It's a miracle that I've kept the first 25 pounds off (I have gained back 5 of the 30 that I lost).  Now it's about losing the next 25 pounds. 

So tomorrow is another day.  Today is another lesson learned.  I'm still committed and definitely accountable for today's actions.  My new goal - eat right tomorrow - make good choices and start tapping into the lessons I've already learned.

The First Day

Let's be honest. This is not my first day. I've had plenty of first days. Days where I said I'll start on Monday. Days where I said I'll start tomorrow. Days where I felt depressed or discouraged. Days where I gave up because that's all I knew how to do. No, that's not true. I gave up because that's all I wanted to do. Like so many days before I got up this morning with the best of intentions - a new determination. Today I'll stay on program. Today I'll start losing weight again. But that's not what happened. The stress came and then the focus on food took over. I could've had a salad for lunch, but I had a hamburger. Not just a hamburger - but a prime rib cheeseburger. So I start over again when I get home. I made spaghetti with wheat pasta. Not bad - until I dipped in for the 2nd helping and had the 3rd piece of garlic bread.

I've talked about starting this blog time and time again, but never did it. The lazy beast maybe - but more likely the desire to continue hiding. This blog means a level of accountability. I need to be held accountable. I need to hold myself accountable.

Today is about the steps I need to take. Accountability. Committment. Determination. I am accountable. I am responsible for all 282.6 pounds that is me.

My goals for this week:
Do what I've committed to do - walk in the Walk for the Cure on Sunday.
Be accountable - track my food daily and my weight weekly accurately.
Find determination - be the person I want to be and do what it takes to get there.

Today is the first day, not tomorrow.